Move from Telling to Asking: A Simple Shift to Build Executive Function
For many of us, parents, teachers, and/or therapists, the instinct to tell or do is strong. We explain, direct, remind, correct. Often this comes from care and urgency: we want things to go smoothly, we want the child or young person to succeed, and we want to prevent distress.
But if you just do one thing to support executive functioning and independence, do this: shift from telling / giving directions to asking questions.
This subtle shift of how we offer support moves us from being a child’s executive functions, to supporting them to engage theirs. While this sounds small, supporting independence and supporting executive function development in children often starts with small daily shifts like this.
Why Questions Matter (Especially for Neurodivergent Minds)
For neurodivergent individuals, such as those with ADHD, autism, or brain injury, executive function challenges can make planning, organising, initiating, and problem-solving more effortful. When we step in and tell or give an answer, we often (unintentionally) bypass the very skills we are hoping to build.
Asking questions, when used thoughtfully, do something different:
They activate thinking, rather than replace it
They support working memory and development of self-talk development
They strengthen cognitive flexibility skills over time
They enhance ownership and autonomy over strategies (increasing by-in!)
They reduce reliance on external prompting over time
From a therapeutic perspective, questions help scaffold the thinking process rather than override it. Questions can externalise the thinking process, which is a powerful way of modelling thinking skills for children. Questions invite the person into the task, instead of placing the adult in charge of all the thinking.
Why This Is Harder Than It Sounds
In real life, telling is faster. It feels efficient. And in high-stress moments, it can feel necessary. But constant telling can lead to:
Increased dependence (“Just tell me what to do”)
More resistance (especially in ADHD and demand-sensitive profiles)
Escalation during emotionally charged situations
Reduced confidence in independent problem-solving
Shifting to asking takes intention and practice, especially at the beginning.
Don’t Start with the Hardest Situations
A common mistake is trying to apply this strategy in the most challenging moments, during homework battles, morning chaos, or escalating emotional meltdowns. This rarely goes well as emotional regulation in children affects when strategies will work.
The brain under stress reduces executive function capacity. When emotions are high, the frontal lobes (where executive functions live) is less available for thinking, language, and problem-solving. Asking questions in these moments can feel overwhelming or even frustrating.
Instead, start with low-stakes, low-emotion moments. Think of everyday situations where the pressure is minimal:
Packing a school bag the night before
Getting ready to leave the house
Choosing what to wear
Tidying up a shared space
Deciding what to do next during free time
These moments are where you can build the skill.
Supporting Success: How to Ask Questions Well
1. Add support before you remove it
Jumping straight into complex, open-ended questions is likely to be effortful for children who are not used to using their executive functioning. Instead, start by scaffolding their use of these skills by using simple, concrete questions then gradually fade these prompts over time. Scaffolding questions for children can help build independence.
Replace: “Put your shoes on.”
With: “What do we need to do before we leave?”
Replace: “Don’t forgot to pack your lunch and water bottle.”
With: “What do you need to take to school today?”
2. Allow Processing Time
Many individuals need more time to think and respond. Pause. Wait. Resist the urge to jump in too quickly. Count to ten in your head (slowly!).
3. Accept Partial Answers
Progress matters more than perfection. If they can identify one step, that’s success.
Putting these three steps together it may look like this:
“What do we need to do before we leave?”
Then, wait patiently for the response (it can be helpful to doodle in your notebook, or look busy with something else to remove the pressure of a quick response).
Then fill in the gaps as needed… “Yep, maths book and lunch box. Great. And let’s not forget your your water bottle”
From a Therapeutic Perspective
This approach aligns with evidence-informed practices in executive function development:
Scaffolding: Providing just enough support to enable success, then gradually removing it
Co-regulation: Supporting the child or young person to stay calm and engaged while thinking
Internalisation of self-talk: Over time, these questions can become internal prompts
We are not just solving the task, we are building the brain-based skills behind the task.
What to Expect
At first, this will feel slower. You may even feel like it’s not working. That’s normal.
You are shifting a pattern, for both yourself and the young person.
Learn More
If you would like more information on supporting executive functioning in children and young people, you may be interested in our upcoming on-demand mini courses. Sign up for updates at the Dandelion Hub workshop page.